Life is bumpy. I haven’t yet decided if I’m Ok with that or not. Sure it keeps me on my toes but smooth and straight, predictable and comfortable are kind of a reassuring thing. Right now, I don’t like bumpy. Right now, I want comfort and ease. I’ve thrown myself a curve ball (we are often guilty of the bumps we face) with a major change and I’m struggling to get back on track. Back on track with sleep, training and figuring out what I’m doing with myself. I’m in a major slump and I have yet to see the light. I thought my first swim back on Monday and a new job would reinvigorate me and recharge my batteries but there was nothing. I had visions of dipping my feet in the cool water and feeling alive again, and sparking back the motivation for my dreams, yet I was a fizzling engine as my tears of sadness just melted with the chlorinated water and disappeared. It was a punch to the gut, and the ensuing workout was a floundering mess like Dory without her Nemo. The rest of the week has been much of the same as my emotions yo-yo, going from loud and bright to quiet and dark. The loneliness, confusion, stress, and worry, and unknown have made me feel sick to my stomach. The long nights where I lie awake watching the numbers on the clock tick away are pure torture.
I know that with time though I will smooth out the bump and I will look back on the darkness with a new perspective and strength but as for now I just want things to be normal. Right now I am longing for laughter as I experiment with new training tools, or a smile as I accomplish something I never thought I could. Those are the moments in this journey that make it worthwhile. Sitting on my ass and dwelling on what was, or could have been, or choices that I made, is not what it’s about. I know I just need a swift kick in the ass but I need it sooner than later because Ironman doesn’t wait for the laggers. Tomorrow starts a new day, and maybe as I dip my toes into the cool water, I will feel that charge I have been desperately seeking for the past week. Maybe tears of happiness will collide with the water and I will feel strong again. Maybe I will sink or wish I was sinking. Maybe it will be good and the next day will be bad. Or maybe as my mom has always said, I just need to put on my big girl panties and get over it. But either way, I’m not giving up, because Ironman also doesn’t accept quitters and I have a journey to complete.